Mar 19 10
by cara
at 8:17 PM
  • Pin It

Maybe One?

Not viable.

That was the news I got yesterday when I went for an ultrasound.

I was six weeks pregnant.

The doctor said he knew things weren’t quite right before he even did the ultrasound, based on my lab work alone.  I’ve already had bloodwork done three times since last Thursday.  (I also went for an ultrasound last week, per doctor’s orders, but they couldn’t see anything yet.)

Obviously, I was upset with this news.  I had been crazy tired, which always happens to me in early pregnancy.  A little bit queasy.  But there were no obvious signs that anything was wrong, as there had been in my previous miscarriages.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t completely surprised by the news of this miscarriage.  The odds weren’t exactly in our favor.

Because if you’ve been keeping track…

Miscarriage at 5 weeks, December 2006

Finley was born, August 31, 2007

Miscarriage at 12 weeks, with resulting D & C, August 2009

Ruptured ectopic pregnancy (with removal of left tube and a chunk of my uterus), December 2009

and now….

Miscarriage at 6 weeks, March 2010.

The doctor said repeatedly that I didn’t do anything wrong.  That it isn’t my fault that this happened.

But at the same time, I was thinking….

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that Amoxocillin and Tylenol for my sinus infection, even though both my family doctor and OB said it was safe for early pregnancy.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking even the DECAF coffee (because it still has a little bit of caffeine).

Maybe I should have eaten more veggies.

Maybe it’s because I’m overweight.  (Though my BP and cholesterol are a-ok, and my doctor said that this shouldn’t make a big difference…)

Maybe I should have exercised more.

Maybe I should have done less and relaxed more.

Maybe I shouldn’t have lost my cool and yelled at Finn yesterday.

Maybe this is God’s way of telling me that we’re only meant to have one child.

Maybe we should have waited longer after the ruptured ectopic.  They did take a wedge out of my uterus, after all.  After the doctor told me that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, he also said that it is probably for the best.  That maybe it was too soon after the ruptured ectopic and that I should let my uterus heal a little longer before trying again.  (Wait!  Didn’t he also say that I didn’t do anything wrong?  And tell me that it was okay to go ahead and try again back in January?!  Way to make me feel guilty.)

I think The Picky Apple and I (and the doctor, too) were surprised by how quickly I was able to get pregnant again.  We figured it would take a little longer since I am down a tube.  But apparently not.

And clearly it doesn’t matter anyway, if I can’t STAY pregnant.

For now, we’re taking a 6 month break.  Then we’ll decide where to go from here.

Neither one of us has felt a strong urge to have a large family.  I was always okay with 2 kids.  But then after The Littlest Apple was born, it took us a while to decide we wanted a second child.  It would be nice to have another child, but I don’t think either of us feels like our family won’t be complete until we have a second child.  We might be okay with just one.

My doctor isn’t ready to send us for testing just yet.  Nor has he said that we won’t be able to have more kids.  But how much more can I really take, emotionally and physically?

And if this keeps happening, THEN what?  I don’t think IVF or fertility treatments would really help, since fertility isn’t the problem.  Surrogacy?  Not sure if I want to go there.  Adoption?  Not sure about that either.

It’s starting to become more and more clear to me just how much of a miracle it is that we have The Littlest Apple.  His name, which means “fair haired warrior” is SO appropriate, don’t you think?

Maybe one child is enough for us.

It is for now, anyway.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
  1. Oh honey… I’m so sorry. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. I wish I had words that could help. I’m sure everyone is telling you to not be so hard on yourself, but you can’t help it. That’s what mama’s do.
    Love to you.

  2. I’m so sorry. Sending good thoughts your way.

  3. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I really hope things work out for you guys.

  4. Cara, I can totally sympathize with your frustration. Although I haven’t been through nearly what you have, we have been trying to get pregnant with our second for 9 months with no luck and am beginning to wonder if we will ever have another child. It is a scary and frustrating process without much comfort from anyone, especially physicians! I am trying hard to be present with our daughter, give her the best of me and keep trudging on this adventure of life. I send you a huge hug and some solace that you are not alone in this struggle to have another baby. xxoo.

  5. Kate permalink

    So sorry Cara! I am praying for you. If there I’d anything I can do, let me know.

  6. Honestly, Cara, I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a heartbreaking situation. I’ll be praying for you. And it sounds silly since I’m 1000 miles away, but I mean it: If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.

  7. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers, everyone. It is greatly appreciated!

  8. courtney permalink

    much love babe. will be praying for you!

  9. Oh bless…I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending warm hugs your way.

  10. Oh, Cara! So sorry about your loss, your pain. I wish you peace in the coming months.

  11. Ross Boss permalink

    You guys are amazing people and amazing parents, I know things will work out either way. I love you very much and always keep you in my prayers.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Serenity Now!! | The Picky Apple
  2. And, I’m BACK. | The Picky Apple

Leave a Reply

Note: XHTML is allowed. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

Blog Widget by LinkWithin