{"id":4490,"date":"2010-10-14T13:54:07","date_gmt":"2010-10-14T19:54:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/?p=4490"},"modified":"2010-10-14T14:12:50","modified_gmt":"2010-10-14T20:12:50","slug":"life-with-a-spirited-child-labels","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/2010\/10\/14\/life-with-a-spirited-child-labels\/","title":{"rendered":"Life With A Spirited Child: Labels"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is the third post in the Life With A Spirited Child Series.\u00c2\u00a0 Missed a previous post?<\/em><\/p>\n

Life With a Spirited Child: New Series Intro<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

The Characteristics<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Next week we’ll start discussing parenting tactics for each of The Characteristics.<\/em><\/p>\n

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image from mdanys via Flickr Creative Commons<\/p><\/div>\n

Wild.\u00c2\u00a0 Out of control.\u00c2\u00a0 Disruptive.\u00c2\u00a0 Crazy.\u00c2\u00a0 Whiny.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Those are all words I have used to describe my three year old son in the last week or so.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s been challenging and I’ve been in tears several times.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve stalled on this Spirited Child post because I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed by his crazy energy and less-than-stellar behavior.\u00c2\u00a0 At the same time, I need to be writing this post now more than ever<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Because you know what all of those labels have in common?\u00c2\u00a0 They’re ALL NEGATIVE.<\/p>\n

Negative Labels Have Negative Effects<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

With spirited children in particular, it becomes all too easy to label them in this negative manner.\u00c2\u00a0 As parents of spirited children, it’s crucial that we stop putting negative labels on our children, and I’m writing this post to myself as much as to the rest of you!\u00c2\u00a0 We need to see the positive or at least the potential strength that each of these behaviors presents.<\/p>\n

This is especially important when you’re speaking about your child in your child’s presence.\u00c2\u00a0 This is definitely something I need to work on.\u00c2\u00a0 The Littlest Apple has said “I’m wild” and “I’m not a good listener” to me recently, and that just shows how much I’ve said those things myself.\u00c2\u00a0 By placing negative labels on our children, those labels become expectations, and they start to act in ways consistent with those expectations.\u00c2\u00a0 They become<\/em> wild.\u00c2\u00a0 They become<\/em> disruptive.\u00c2\u00a0 They become<\/em> bossy and manipulative.\u00c2\u00a0 This is called the Pygmalion Effect<\/a>, a form of self-fulfilling prophecy.\u00c2\u00a0 Kind of scary, huh?<\/p>\n

Encouraging words and teaching your child how to handle these behaviors with a firm but kind heart would go so much further, don’t you think?<\/p>\n

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image from Tacit Requiem via Flickr Creative Commons<\/p><\/div>\n

Change the Labels<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

We should speak about<\/em> our children and to<\/em> our children with words that make them (and us) feel good.\u00c2\u00a0 We should use words that are positive.\u00c2\u00a0 Words that focus on what’s right<\/em> about their behavior, not what’s wrong<\/em> with it.\u00c2\u00a0 Think about advertising companies and realtors and the words they use to describe their products.\u00c2\u00a0 The words that make you think how cool, fun, charming and useful their product is .\u00c2\u00a0 We need to turn our negative labels into labels that make us smile, that make us proud, and even ones that make us laugh.\u00c2\u00a0 Labels, whether spoken aloud or internalized, affect how we feel, act, and think about our spirited children.\u00c2\u00a0 But how do you even begin to change your thinking about a trait that drives you crazy?<\/p>\n

Here are some examples of negative labels with their more positive counterpart in italics:<\/p>\n

bossy\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 future manager<\/em><\/p>\n

distracted, not listening \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 curious, perceptive
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

wild, never stops \u00c2\u00a0 energetic, full of life, busy<\/em><\/p>\n

resistant\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 focused<\/em><\/p>\n

whiny\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 expressive<\/em><\/p>\n

negative\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 analytical<\/em><\/p>\n

reckless\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 adventurous<\/em><\/p>\n

nags, annoys and otherwise drives you crazy to get what he wants\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 argues intelligently for what he wants<\/em><\/p>\n

argumentative, demanding\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 persistent<\/em><\/p>\n

picky\u00c2\u00a0 selective<\/em><\/p>\n

rebellious\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 independent<\/em><\/p>\n

manipulative\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 charismatic, persuasive
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

overwhelming\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 powerful<\/em><\/p>\n

stubborn\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 goal-oriented<\/em><\/p>\n

thin-skinned, high-strung\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 sensitive<\/em><\/p>\n

dangerous thrill-seeking behavior \u00c2\u00a0 likes to learn, explore, try new things<\/em><\/p>\n

noisy, loud\u00c2\u00a0 enthusiastic, zestful<\/em><\/p>\n

explosive \u00c2\u00a0 dramatic<\/em><\/p>\n

Look For the Positive. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

(Even if you have to search really hard!<\/strong><\/span>)
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

I know some of you are rolling your eyes right about now.\u00c2\u00a0 I know first hand that this is a DIFFICULT exercise to do, and that it can be quite a stretch to put a positive spin on some of your spirited child’s more challenging behaviors.\u00c2\u00a0 Believe me, when my son is spitting orange juice all over the living room carpet, the last thing I’m thinking is “oh, he’s so imaginative!”.\u00c2\u00a0 I want to yell “What on EARTH where you THINKING?!”<\/p>\n

Rethinking the way we label our children is NOT easy, particularly in the midst of their more challenging behaviors.\u00c2\u00a0 That is why I encourage you to take a few minutes to sit down and work through this exercise when your blood ISN’T boiling at their latest shenanigans.\u00c2\u00a0 List all of the adjectives and labels you’ve placed on your child recently.\u00c2\u00a0 Be sure to use not only labels that you’ve used or thought, but also those your friends, family, and teachers have used to describe your child.<\/p>\n

Even the awful ones.<\/p>\n

ESPECIALLY the awful ones!<\/p>\n

Then try your hardest to come up with a\u00c2\u00a0 positive “spin” for each of those traits.\u00c2\u00a0 Sit down with your spouse, a family member or a friend who knows your child well if you’re really struggling.\u00c2\u00a0 Take some deep breaths and think of your child at his most charming and loveable self.\u00c2\u00a0 Recall some of your favorite memories of your child.\u00c2\u00a0 The ones that make you smile or chuckle.\u00c2\u00a0 (I’m smiling and feeling calmer already!)<\/p>\n

For me, that includes The Littlest Apple’s infectious laughter and his enthusiasm and zest for construction trucks and Buzz Lightyear.\u00c2\u00a0 (As you can see from the list above, those are the words and images I remind myself of when I’m thinking “You’re too LOUD!!”)\u00c2\u00a0 When he’s jumping off the furniture, I try to remind myself that he’s energetic and full of life (and wishing I had that kind of energy).\u00c2\u00a0 When I have to remind him for the 5th time to clean up his toys, I conjure up an image of Curious George, his favorite monkey, who is just so curious that he can’t help himself from exploring everything around him instead of cleaning up.<\/p>\n

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image from Arwen Abenstern via Flickr Creative Commons<\/p><\/div>\n

Practice Parenting With the Postive Labels<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of saying, “No! Stop!\u00c2\u00a0 Get down!\u00c2\u00a0 Listen to me! I said NO!”…..<\/p>\n

you can say things like “You sure do have a lot of energy today!\u00c2\u00a0 Why don’t we go for a short walk around the block?” or “You are very persistent with your requests to play instead of getting ready for bed!”\u00c2\u00a0 This takes lots of practice, and I’m definitely still in the beginner stage here.\u00c2\u00a0 I get so angry and frustrated with The Littlest Apple’s behavior sometimes, but I’m forcing myself to call to mind this list of negative\/positive traits.<\/p>\n

If we can start using this kind of language to transform how we think about our spirited children, we can become more tolerant, kind, understanding and creative in our efforts to help our spirited children stay “on track. “\u00c2\u00a0 Besides, doesn’t it feel so much better to the parent of a child that is curious, energetic, persuasive, creative<\/em> and enthusiastic<\/em>?\u00c2\u00a0 That’s how I can describe The Littlest Apple, and now I’m smiling as I write this.\u00c2\u00a0 What a neat kid!\u00c2\u00a0 Using those labels makes me feel so proud and lucky to be his mom!<\/p>\n

Words make all the difference!<\/p>\n

How would you describe your spirited child with these new positive labels?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is the third post in the Life With A Spirited Child Series.\u00c2\u00a0 Missed a previous post? Life With a Spirited Child: New Series Intro The Characteristics Next week we’ll start discussing parenting tactics for each of The Characteristics. Wild.\u00c2\u00a0 Out of control.\u00c2\u00a0 Disruptive.\u00c2\u00a0 Crazy.\u00c2\u00a0 Whiny. Those are all words I have used to describe […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4490","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-motherhood"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4490","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4490"}],"version-history":[{"count":46,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4490\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4539,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4490\/revisions\/4539"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4490"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4490"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thepickyapple.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4490"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}